One year. We have
lived out of America and on the island of Papua for one year and two months now. What a crazy whirlwind. In one year we have conquered some incredible
things….and we have failed pretty miserably at some things too. It’s all about balance you know.
I’ve been thinking back to that time lately. The newbie me. The wide eyed, raw emotion, overwhelmed me. The me that was experiencing about a zillion “firsts”
Back then even the tiniest task or experience was a “first”
and it was either scary, exciting, draining…or maybe even a combination of all
of it. When I think back to that time
not too long ago when I first landed in a strange new land, as I struggled to
make it home, to figure out the dangers, the culture, the language, just how to
FUNCTION in day to day life…..EVERYTHING was a learning curve.
For example.
How do I use a squatty potty without making a huge mess? And
you expect me to flush this HOW?
I can’t even go potty properly in this country!
It’s hot. Like I am
sitting here doing absolutely nothing and I am drenched in sweat.
The power went out AGAIN?!?
I was told be careful of ice…..can I drink this juice? Is this water safe? Can I eat at this restaurant? Probably not. It will probably kill me.
I can’t drive….but I need groceries. Okay. How do I get to the store? Taxi.
I finally am brave enough to venture out to the road…flag down a taxi by
myself, get in a taxi, with my paper in hand that has my few Indonesian phrases
written on it….I make it to the store. I’ve
already conquered quite a feat!
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| I don't know. |
I walk the streets, stress is high. But I am kind of proud of myself. I am brave I think……but don’t say “BOO!” cause I might come out of my skin.
I walk past people. I
cause a scene everywhere I go. I do NOT
blend in. As I walk past large groups of
people they all stare as I go by.
Sometimes they yell something out or try to say something to me…..I have
no idea what they are saying. Is it
good? Is it bad? Are they saying “hi, can I help you?” or are they going to kidnap me and drag me
away never to be seen again? I know this
seems dramatic. But bear with me…..I am a total newbie. My strategy is to smile. A kind smile, but not TOO kind. That could
bring other trouble?!?! Ugh. I’m tired.
Emotionally, and physically. Did I mention it is HOT? Okay. I made it to my
stores. I consider it a success that I
didn’t fall into one of the random holes in the sidewalk filled with slime
water and tons of garbage. Small
victories. I will take them. I can go home now. Taxi.
Okay. I stand on the side of the
road. Flag down a taxi. Preferably one that is not stuffed with
people. One pulls over. I always try to scan the taxi situation before
I enter. This driver looks safe
right? I double check it is the right
kind of taxi. Okay. Good to go. On the taxi.
Headed home. I can see the ground
through the floor boards of this taxi.
It’s kind of funny. I chuckle and snap a picture. Oh shoot.
I hope the driver didn’t see that.
I don’t want to offend him. Ugh.
Almost home. I forgot to pull out the
money for the taxi ride BEFORE I got on the taxi. Great. Now I have to pull out my money in
front of all these people! They are
watching me. NOTHING can be done
secretly in public. I wish I could just
blend in right about now. Okay. I pulled out the right amount and didn’t have
my money come cascading onto the floor like the scenario in my head played
out. My stop is coming up……..how do I
say stop again?! Oh no…..where is my
paper with my Indonesian phrases on it.
I dig in my purse frantically…….FOUND IT. “berhenti”……..he didn’t hear me! Oh shoot!!….and
I am painfully shy to try to speak my words.
“BERHENTI”………..WHEW. He heard me. I will live to see another day. I juggle all my bags and pay the man and
start walking down my road. Almost
home!! I made it!! I enter the house
feeling FILTHY dirty. TIRED, HOT DRAINED.
But I DID IT! And I enjoyed the
adventure of it! But now…..cooking…… I don’t have an oven. I call my friend. Can I come over and use your oven for an hour
or so?? I gear up to leave again…..taking
all my cookie ingredients. I walk about
10 min to my friend’s house. Use her
oven….bake my cookies………..(side note…now I know baking cookies at this stage
was a bit of a HUGE undertaking. Haha. I was determined to do something familiar….I
wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.
I wanted to produce something that felt familiar and wanted to surprise
my friends and teammates at our prayer meeting that night.)
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| This is a real picture Grace took. I think I was a little stressed out. lol |
I made my cookies. And they turned out. I cleaned up my friend’s
kitchen and I walked home. Crossed the
hot street….down my road….. Get
home. Time to sanitize the veggies. This was a process I quickly learned I did
not enjoy. What is that sound??!! Torrential DOWNPOUR!!!! Oh no!!! My clothes hanging
outside!!!!!!!!!.................Too late.
They are drenched.
UGHHHH!!! I come inside. The ants are attacking AGAIN! What in the world! I have an army the size
of Texas pouring in my window down the wall and going all over the
kitchen. Oh…..must have been this ONE
COOKIE CRUMB I LEFT OUT FOR 30 FREAKING SECONDS THAT INSPIRED THIS 6-INCH-WIDE
HIGHWAY OF ANTS TO INVITE THEMSELVES IN!!!!!
Calm…calm…no forget calm. I’m
hot. I look like a mess. My floor is a muddy mess from sanitizing my
veggies so that they go from veggies of DEATH to something edible. The ants are
on my last nerve! The heat is on the
nerve after that. The humidity is on the
nerve after THAT! The thrill of the success
of cookies is over. Now I start to
resent the dumb cookies. It literally
took me ALL the energy I had, ALL day….tons of stress and then even more energy
to make these dumb cookies!!!! And I don’t even have that many!!!!!
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| Dreaming of Safeway |
Was that a little bit of crazy coming out?..... I think so…because
I’m feeling a little cray cray)
And while I am at it…. WHY CAN’T I SPEAK THIS LANGUAGE?!?! Enter my husband’s voice of reason….. “Amanda,
you have only been here two weeks.” ……..Please don’t reason with me….….I’m ridiculous!
I can’t even remember how to say good morning!
I’ll never get this….I should be fluent by now!!!! Why is it so hot!! WAS THAT A MOSQUITO THAT JUST BIT ME??! Great. Now I am going to get malaria or
dengue and probably die. I just saw a
cockroach run into my room!! Ugh.
Whatever. I have no energy for that
cockroach. (one night I did wake up to
one running from my neck down my arm)
Prayer group time. I
put myself together. Hair frizzies under
control as well as can be expected in this humidity. My (lovingly named) “sweat-stach” always in its
place on my upper lip. I get my cookies
and I head to my friend’s house. I must
admit…..it is fun to surprise my friends with the cookies. Everyone enjoyed those little nuggets of
gold. Prayer goes good. But I don’t
think I was totally honest about everything.
I (foolishly) put an expectation on myself that I was going to nail this
whole new country thing. So I shared a
few lighthearted struggles…..or gauge how everyone else seems to be doing…..but
no way do I share with the group something more dramatic than they do. I’ve always had an ability to pull my boots up
and get on with life over the hard stuff……but sometimes we sure make it harder
on ourselves that we have to!
At my friend’s house Grace put the end of an unwashed leafy
green from the pasar in her mouth…….THE HORROR.
Keep calm. Keep it together….on
the outside at least. I asked my friend...what
could happen…. desperately hoping they would say……Awe…she will be alright. (not that I would have believed that) I was panicked
on the inside. She is going to get some
bug…..some tropical PASAR DISEASE!!!!!!
My friend said…..she will probably be just fine…maybe some diarrhea…but
she is healthy, has a good immune system.
But that didn’t stop this mom from having a 5 minute “spit in the toilet!!!!””
session, and then “calmly” march home as fast as I could and take care of
this!!!! But how?! Bleach?!
Of course I can’t make her rinse her mouth with bleach, although that
would probably be better than whatever parasite she just swallowed!!!!!!.....
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| Our bathroom |
At the end of the day I was hot, sticky, dirty, sweaty and
stinky and EXAUSTED. Just like almost every
day…..I willed myself to wash all the dishes, clean the house, and take a
shower. I sat in our tiny bathroom on
the tile floor…..I sat on the ground because the water pressure was so low that
it was better the lower I was…..still a trickle. The shower head was sticking out of the
wall. I sat there each night in our tiny
bathroom….my head a foot away from the toilet seat, and washed away the dirt
and stress of the day.
God had His hand all over that year! He let us face some giants….so that He could
show us the power He has to take the giant down, or give us the strength we
need to fight it. Example. One day alone in the mall, still very new, I
was walking to the ATM room. It is a more secluded place. I didn’t see anything suspicious, but I felt
that still small voice of the Holy Spirit say “don’t go in there” I immediately
made a sharp turn towards a sports store, just then two large men came out of
the ATM room. They locked their eyes on me and my heart sank. They were almost running toward me. I walked quickly into the store, near the
checkout stand where I knew there were employees, knowing this would be a
confrontation….then I turned around to face them. The look on the man who confronted me was ominous…
He looked pleased that he had his prey cornered. I felt like prey too. He had this odd smile on his face as he was
talking to me taking steps towards me. I
was shaking like a leaf on the inside…trying to appear confident and kind. In the little language I knew I told him….I
don’t understand you, I am not yet fluent, I’m sorry” I kept saying this over
and over. He would take a step toward me and be in my bubble, I would take a
step back…..I was running out of space…He knew I was uncomfortable, and he
seemed to enjoy it. The store employees
were all watching….I desperately looked over at one of them for help….then I caught
a whiff of alcohol on the man’s breath….which is bad news bears here. I panicked inside. I thought “I don’t know what
to do, I don’t know this culture enough to know if anyone would help me, or
just watch the scene unfold, I don’t know the language well enough to ask for
help! I don’t know the people well
enough to know if being firm will elevate the situation, or if being meek will
embolden these men….I felt like a mouse trapped in a corner by a cat….I just
knew I needed to GET OUT OF THERE. I
said loudly…..”I have to go NOW!” and I ran out of the store and down the
stairs and into the grocery store in the basement. But there was no way out except the way I
came, and I was scared the men were waiting for me. I walked the store, adrenaline in full
effect. I was shaking physically and
shaking on the inside too. I couldn’t get
ahold of matt…I called Matt’s friend Jared and told him what happened and asked
him to talk to me as I tried to leave the mall.
He talked to me until I got to a taxi.
I was shaken. That was
scary. It threatened to cripple my
ability to get out of my house. But when
I was calm enough (a few days later) to really think about the situation…not
just the fear it brought…..I could hear God reminding me…..”but I protected
you, I didn’t let you go into that room with them, I protected you” Yes, it was scary. But I am glad it happened. It showed me God’s hands in scary situations.
Another time Matt and Grace went to a late dinner without
me. I was feeling sick. The team was
meeting for dinner. Matt and Grace took
the taxi. It was getting late. I expected them home already. I was laying on the sofa watching a movie
when I felt like I should pray for them.
I reasoned the feeling away thinking that I was just being a worry
wart. Two more times I felt this strong
urge to pray for them. So I turned off the movie and I prayed. Still thinking it was just me being dramatic…not
really the Holy Spirit encouraging me to pray… I prayed for about ten
minutes. Praying for protection for
them, for God to put angel warriors around them, that no evil could touch
them. About ten min after I started
praying, Matt and Grace walked in the door.
First thing Matt said was “wow, I’ve never been so happy to get OFF of a
taxi in my life” Matt and Grace caught a taxi with two people in it. The driver and another man. It soon became clear that these two were
friends and up to no good. The driver
was behaving erratically and almost ran another car off the road for cutting
him off. The two men acted as though
they were “on something” and it was clear they were talking about Matt and
Grace…which is not uncommon…but it felt off to Matt. Matt asked them to stop the taxi, and they
acted like they did not hear Matt, when He knew they could hear him. Instead they ignored him and kept going. Matt firmly said “stop now” and they did,
already past home. Matt quickly got off
and walked home. We lined the time
up. The same time God prompted me to start
praying would be the same time Matt and Grace got on that taxi. Same thing.
God allowed us to experience something scary, but He was showing us His
power and ability over the situation.
One day I woke up to a message on Facebook. Someone I know of, but have never met, and
never talked to sent me a message saying they had a bad dream about our place
and our family…they woke up and felt the Holy Spirit tell them to pray for us….so
she woke her husband and they walked their house praying for us…. Nothing happened to us that lines up with
that time…and I firmly believe that nothing happened because that woman was
faithful and woke up to pray for us…who knows what never happened because she
was praying for us. God literally woke
someone up in the middle of the night, on the other side of the world to pray
for us. Amazing.
I learned a lot in that first year. I came to this new country with ideas of
what it all might be like. Ideas only.
Before I made the move to this new country I had only been in three countries….
(layovers don’t count) The USA, Canada and Switzerland. None of them had prepared me for third world.
This was like nothing I had been exposed to before…. except in movies of
course.
I can’t tell you in words everything I learned….it was too
huge, too much to try and explain. Maybe
some of you know this feeling. I lost my
voice for a while. I didn’t have the
energy or will to try to explain all of this “newness” to you folks back
home. It was overwhelming.
Some people were worried about me. I mean, a young(ish) girl who has never
REALLY seen or done anything like this before, just jumping in both feet, full
immersion, with a romanticized idea of missions in her head. Talk about reality
meeting expectations. But you know
what? I did it. We did it. Jesus and I.
He sustained me, He gave me strength, He carried my tired self, He gave
me the capacity to learn a new language….ME, who had NO love of language
learning….I learned to love it. He gave
me a love for the people. A love for
this place.
So when I look back at my first year in Indonesia, when I
look back at the younger me, the brand spanking new at this me……
It was fun. I loved
it. I didn’t love every second of it….but
I loved it. I’ve been pushed, grown,
stretched. I’ve been beat up by this
place and this place has shown me a great time.
I have had so many adventures here! So many tears and secret fears. Insecurities roar their ugly head, and those
insecurities usually proven wrong. I
love this place. I love these people. I
would do the first year again.
When I look back I see the hard times, the culture shock,
the tears….but that is not what defines my first year. It impacted it, but it
does not define it. I love living here!
How awesome! How humbling. A
sinner like me, with my MANY sins, with my rebellious past, and He WANTS me, He
uses me. It is amazing grace. I love Jesus not because of religion, not
because of head knowledge, not because it’s what I grew up with….but because I’ve
SEEN Him in my life, I’ve talked to Him, and He has talked to me, He has saved
me, and I have seen miracles. This year
has been full of them.
AND GUESS WHAT?!?! …
Now I know the words for sugar, flour, baking soda, and
butter. Now I don’t panic when I hand my
money over to pay. Now I can understand
what those people are trying to say to me.
I can tell a taxi to stop confidently, now I know that the veggies from
the pasar are not going to kill me, or my daughter. I can combat the ants. I don’t notice garbage, or holes in the
sidewalk, going out and about doesn’t drain me like it used to. Moving water around is just a normal task now……did
I ever not do this?? I know from
experience that God is bigger than Dengue fever (the most dreaded mosquito
illness here) because Matt and Grace both caught it. I know malaria won’t kill me….just make me
reeeeally sick, because I caught it. I
know God is bigger than drunk people, or scary situations. I know He is bigger than culture shock, and
He is bigger than expectations meeting reality, and all the chaos that entails.
I know He can sustain a newbie, not only
sustain but flourish me where I am planted.
And you know what….I’ve only just completed chapter
one. I know some culture, some language,
but I just scratched the surface. I’ve
entered a new chapter, with new difficulties, new triumphs…and I know His
fingerprints will be all over this chapter too….whatever it may bring….
So all that being said……..
Dear new missionary. Dear friend in America, Dear friend
anywhere in the world….wherever it is God has you……. You can do this. It doesn’t matter who says what, it doesn’t even
matter what your own emotions tell you sometimes. It matters what Jesus says. You CAN do this. If He has called you to this, He WILL walk
you through it….. Yes, there will be struggles.
Hard ones. And maybe in the
moment you will think you can’t. But
looking back you will see how He can, and He did. And yes, there will be times, seasons, when
you feel you are walking through the mud…but there will be times when you are
flying over the mountain tops too! God
will bring you to that new place (not even always a new country…new job, new
situation, new life stage, new scary…fill in the blank) to move mountains in your life. Don’t be afraid of the culture shock, don’t
be afraid of the fire. Don’t let that scary and painful fiery season burn you
up……..because gold is refined in the fire, gold is purified in the fire. And
you my dear friend are gold, in the hands of your goldsmith, your Maker.
It’s not about us, it’s all about Jesus.
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| Papua life. No seatbelt. |
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| Set me loose on the driving world.... |
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| Because you just can't take yourself too seriously. |
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| The WORST sunburn of my life, hands down. |
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| Let the crazy out....it helps with the stress. |
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| Night lobster spearing in the ocean. |
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| The real me. I'll do anything rugged, I love any adventure! And I'm gonna do it with my pink lipgloss on. =) |
