Saturday, August 30, 2014

Brave

Hello friends, this is Amanda here. This is a real, raw, honest and vulnerable post. Bear with with me here.


A few days ago Matt and I were driving home.  I was having a particularly hard time thinking about leaving our home, moving to New York, moving to Indonesia, taking Grace to a third world country.  As we were driving, tears started filling my eyes I felt that tight ball of anxiousness build in my chest as I spoke.  "Matt what are we doing? These people love us, this is our home. This is just crazy!" As I continued to speak the tightness got worse, and my words got more fearful, they just poured out. "Everything in Indonesia is poisonous, I don't even KNOW the dangers there, here I know what bugs are dangerous, what plants will leave a rash, here I know what to eat and not to eat.  I don't know ANY of the dangers there!  I won't have any friends over there! It is going to take forever to make one meal with food that might make us sick!  What if we get malaria? What if GRACE gets malaria, or something even WORSE! It seems so irresponsible to leave people who love us and invest in our lives! Our parents, Gracie needs to grow up with them near!"   Matt has a way of staying calm in the midst of a storm or under pressure. He sat there listening, and would interject truth in where he could. But I was not listening. I was scared, frustrated, and I didn't want to be told it was okay.  I was letting myself go there. To a place where I didn't see how God could take care of us, where I wasn't trusting Him.  That is a dark place to go.
We got home, it was late at night. Grace was asleep in her car seat, so we sat there talking (or bawling) in the driveway. I continued stating all my fears, crying, breathing fast and feeling completely fearful and out of control of my life.

In the background we had the local Christian station playing.  I wasn't even listening.  Matt heard the first few lines of a song he had never heard before. He told me "I think this song is  going to be good for you. Let's listen to it."   I sat there quietly with a hard heart for the first few lines, still thinking about all my fears.... but then the words gripped me and I started to cry all over. But not from fear. Cleansing tears. This song was for me, from Jesus, and He knew I needed it right NOW in this moment.

"I stand before you now.
The greatness of your renown.
I have heard of the majesty and wonder of you. 
King of Heaven, in humility, I bow

As your love, wave after wave crashes over me. 
For you are FOR us, you are not against us. 
Champion of Heaven, You made a way for all to enter in. 

I have heard you calling my name.
I have heard the song of love that you sing.
So I will let you draw me out beyond the shore into your grace!

YOU MAKE ME BRAVE! 
YOU MAKE ME BRAVE! 
YOU CALL ME OUT BEYOND THE SHORE INTO THE WAVES!
YOU MAKE ME BRAVE! 
YOU MAKE ME BRAVE!
NO FEAR CAN HINDER NOW THE LOVE THAT MADE A WAY!

You make me BRAVE! 
NO FEAR CAN HINDER NOW THE PROMISES YOU MAKE! "

As we sat there listening tears were streaming down my face. Lots of them. But more than that, as I listened to these words of truth something happened in my soul, in my heart.  It was cleansing. I felt that tight ball of fear and anxiousness deflate.  Jesus was using this song, these words, breaking through my crowded, fearful heart to tell me the TRUTH!  I sat crying, in wonder with each new verse of the song because I KNEW that this song was for ME.

I was believing lies, I was wanting to be in control of my life, I was clinging to control because I was scared to give it to God. I was screaming in my heart "God follow MY plan, keep ME comfortable, don't rock MY boat, I don't trust you with my daughter, her heath, her life, I don't trust! I don't trust, I don't trust!"

But as these words penetrated my soul, and the gentle voice of the Holy Spirit rocked my world, my life came into clearer focus.

And you know what? Even if my worst fear becomes reality... it's okay.  God is in control.  He made me, He made Grace. He is in America, He is in Indonesia. He is MUCH bigger than the box I put Him in.  The truth is I am not in control. Not at all. And I am learning to unclench my hands, stop trying to make God stick to MY plan.  Because my plan is weak, and pathetic, and all about ME.  God has BIG plans, plans to grow me, plans to make me more like Him, plans that will call me BEYOND the shore and into the WAVES. Beyond the shore and into His GRACE.  Is there really any place better than that?

And I am not brave.... but He wanted to tell me,
HE makes me brave.
No fear can hinder the promises He makes.

wow.

I believe. I trust.
Thank you Jesus for your grace.

Amanda


Listen here.

1 comment: